Bad, Bad, Bad Blogger

I seriously wrote last on July 4? It was a bad sign when I was reading my daughter's blog from Australia and I realized Oh yeah, I have a blog too and proceeded to link to it from there. So no one really wants to read blogs about not having blogged and why, but I guess I'll do it anyway and move on. It will be good therapy.

I've been a caregiver for my mother-in-law since last spring, along with my sister-in-law, my husband to the extent he can, and in time there was also a person we hired during the day. Kelly (the caregiver, not my daughter..we call her Nurse Kelly) was a lifesaver to me. Not only did she help care for my mother-in-law, but she helped care for me as well. I'm not going into everything about being a caregiver because it is very hard and it is very depressing, and I grieved in a lot of ways; at the same time it is a blessing to be privileged to care for someone that way (and only a caregiver would understand what I mean by all of that.) The feelings are illogical but they are real. About a month ago, my mother-in-law had another stroke (her third I believe in the past eight years or so) and she has been in rehab since then. She is at our house today as I write, sleeping in her recliner behind me. She is very weak. We can barely get her to take a step or try to move. She is also very noncommunicative. Her speech was impacted. I can't imagine her recovering to where she was before the stroke, and she needs to show some substantial improvement to be back here in her home. I of course have mixed feelings about that. She's 89. She deserves to do what she wants, and if that means she just wants to eat and sleep, then she should be allowed to do that, but I don't think it will happen here, because there is a lot of heavy duty care involved in getting her to move about. 'Nuff said. God is good and I know he will take care of her and me and everyone. It has been a tough time on me emotionally...I was going through my own level of depression from the loss of my freedom, and started seeing myself from the outside in..and I had lost my positive nature and my smiling face. I'm trying to get it back. I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility she could come back too, and I'm determined to be ok with it. The whole process is one of evolution.

I'm also only take one class next semester.

Right now I cannot wait for Thanksgiving. Mary will be home from Australia and I miss her so much. I'm just holding my breath until she is safely back home and I get to hug her. Her term there has been amazing. I can't wait to have my family and good friends (who are a part of the family) Kathy and Joe, around me on that special day. I have so much to be thankful for, so I keep mentally smacking myself and reminding myself of that. How dare I be depressed about anything in my life.

What perked me up a lot was my good friend Debbie who visited from Chicago Friday night and Saturday. Together we had a glass of wine and talked about good times. Where do the years go? Her little boys and my little girls are almost all grown up; it seems just like yesterday they were running down the backyards, playing dress up, running through a sprinkler; and Ed and I might be found sitting in their hot tub on New Year's Eve with icicles hanging from the ends of our hair. Debbie and I spent some of Friday evening and most of Saturday (with Ed's help..thank you!) boxing up packages of supplies to be sent to her nephew in Afghanistan and my school's secretary's nephew (also serving in Afghanistan). As I said, I have NOTHING to be sad about when I think of what it is like for them in that desolate place and for their families left behind at home. I watched Mrs. Miniver on T.V. last night...surprisingly I've never watched it since I am a major old movie fan...and it brought home the same idea, only the story took place in England during WWII.

That's it for now. I'll try to catch up and get back in the swing. I wish I could have kept writing through the past few months. I know it would have helped me a lot; but I literally have spent every waking moment on the computer doing work for my classroom or work for my classes...and there are just some things you can't blog about anyway.

Holiday Yard Decorations

Ok..so after you read this, if you are mad at me, please don't be...but then I guess if I am going to blog, I have to not worry so much about that.

For some reason I really dislike the recently popular (by recently I mean the past few years) yard decorations that consist of a blown up figure...a football player, a giant Santa, a Thanksgiving turkey, etc. I don't know why, but they strike me as cheap imitations of real holiday decorating...the kind that requires dad to climb a ladder and hang lights (hopefully not staple holes in their house the way Chevy Chase did in Christmas Vacation, one of my favorite holiday comedy movies).

I'm not such a scrooge that I think they should be outlawed or something. If I had young children now, I'd probably put one in my yard too. They are in my neighborhood where there are small children or day cares. I'm not going to go by and shoot a bebe gun at them or anything.

I also worry about the environment. Are they recyclable when they no longer work? Or are there landfills out there full of deflated Santas, Frosty the Snowmen, turkeys, Halloween pumpkins, and numerous pro football team players or mascots?

I think it comes from having been born in the 50's and coming of age in the 60's. It's about making memories. One of the best holiday memories I have is my dad hanging lights on the frame of our house and on the bushes. You know, come to think of it we did have these stand up plastic (but hard plastic not the blow ups) lanterns that would light up when you plugged them in.

Oh never mind..

Halloween '09

He'll kill me. Well, he doesn't blog and he doesn't read blogs, unless I put it in front of his face and say "Read this" and then only when he gets around to it. That said, here we are in our Halloween costumes, which we haven't done in years. We are fire and ice. I guess you can probably figure out which is which. He started it all.

On Friday night he set his agenda and expected Erin and me to follow it. As he was leaving to go and work at the local Halloween haunted hayride, he mentioned that Erin and I should make zombies for the front porch. He did bring in some old jeans and shirts of his, and left it to us. We both stood looking at each other, a little frustrated. Our expressions said it all. Here he goes again...giving us a job to do and then removing himself from having to be involved. Not that we had to do it (and I mostly did it myself), I started stuffing the clothes to make bodies.

When he finally returned, he had brought some masks from the hayride which weren't being used, and we added those for the heads. He even got an old stuffed bear out of the attic and put a mask on it. We ended up with two male zombies, a female zombie which sort of resembled Mrs. Bates from Psycho, and a zombie faced stuffed bear. So that started it all.

The next morning when I stopped at Wal-Green for a couple of things and noticed a ton of Halloween stuff on sale. I ended up buying a spider, a spider web, two large plastic images of skeletons you could hang in the windows, and some tombstones for the yard. I also started looking at the hair sprays and things. I hadn't decided to dress up, but got a little inspired. Ed actually went out on his own later and found the red stuff to be the opposite of me. If we were going to be at home alone I guess we might not have done so much, but we had two couples over for a light dinner and to help pass out treats. I was also expecting some of my students as well.

It turned out to be a lot of fun. I guess we are now reverting back to childhood..kind of scary. Scarier than the yard and porch decorations we are. The fun thing is that it reminds me of when we were first dating. We went to a number of Halloween parties over the year. For our first I was a basket of dirty laundry. We cut holes in the bottom of a laundry basket so I could step inside, I stuffed the basket with clothes, laundry soap, etc. He went as Mr. Clean, all in white, and wore a skull cap. For another party we were The Blues Brothers.

One year a friend had a Victor, Victoria party. That's definitely another post! Here are some more pics.

Anticipating the Holidays

This scene is no longer. I took this photo at my school's autumn gathering...our Chili Off. It took place at our kindergarten teacher's place, which is a beautiful area. She has a wonderful old farm house surrounding by fields. While we were eating great chili and playing games of Corn Hole and Croquet, I snuck over to get this shot.

These fields are empty now. Only stubble remains, and I'm thinking holidays. How could I help it? I've already seen Christmas displays up in department stores when I was in Chicago over last weekend. I'll admit that I love the holidays...from Halloween on, but Thanksgiving and Christmas more so than Halloween. But that doesn't mean I'm game for such early decorating. I don't watch a lot of television but I'm sure the Christmas advertisements are there. I know some holiday movie trailers are out. The new release of A Christmas Carol with Jim Carey is soon to be out. Early November is just too early for a movie like that. I find that when all the hype starts so early, I get burned out around the time I should be in the throes of shopping and cooking and crafting.

I have to admit though, I'm looking forward to this holiday season more so than I have for years. Why? If you read (and I really don't have a lot of readers..I'm basically just talking to myself here), I'm pretty much an empty nester. While I do have one daughter still at home, it's different. I have no high school children. I am free from all of the commitment it takes to be an involved parent. I loved every minute of it, but....

I won't be planning a Madrigal dinner (although I plan on attending and enjoying it). So, I can cook, craft, shop and wrap to my heart's content. Another interesting change, my adult daughters are encouraging me not to do so much shopping, and I'm game...at least if I can still do a little. We'll still have a family exchange on both mine and Ed's sides, but we will try to cut down on what we are doing for each other and instead adopt a family to assist.

We are having the big Thanksgiving meal (which I actually love because it is about food and not presents), but for Christmas we are planning on a more simple meal of soup/chowder, munchies, and desserts. We can have a lot less stress in the way of food preparation (Ed asked me..."When did this happen? Was I consulted?...he should know better), and more time for fun and games and holiday movies.

I am going to enjoy this...for years I've gotten caught up in making sure my girls were happy, that they had enough, that I was fair with what I did for each of them, etc....I'm a bit like my mother that way, although I'll never do what she still does...buys for each and every one of her children, their spouses, and her grandchildren. It's just too much and I wish I could get her to stop, but it makes her happy. I've finally gotten her to buy gift cards. I've finally convinced her that is what the girls prefer, but beyond that I doubt that her insistence on buying for everyone will ever end as long as her health allows her to do it.

I'm a Christmas fiend, so I'm sure I'll have a lot of posts about what I'm doing approaching the holidays. I've been away a lot due to a crazy schedule at home and school, so I hope to get back into the swing of things. And hopefully they won't be so all over the place as this one is (trying to catch up I guess).

Girl Power!

I'm going to have some fun. After all, it is October. After all, I said I'd share things about my grown children, since I don't have little ones any longer, nor am I yet a grandmother. So here is a good one. How cute is that.

Do you remember the Power Rangers? Have they come back around yet? This is Erin probably around 14 years ago (she is now 20 years old), in a costume I made....yes, I made it. I made almost all of their Halloween costumes. I remember the late nights sewing, determined to get them done. All for an hour or two of collecting candy. But boy did those costumes make fun dress up clothes long AFTER Halloween was over. Yes, I'd do it all again, and maybe I will one day for my grandchildren.

A Great Meal With A Surprise

Tonight we had the best meal of all meals, mainly due to its simplicity and the fact that as it turned out only two meals were needed, one for Ed and one for me. Mary wasn't hungry and Erin was going to her boyfriend's house. That means no cooking an entree because we happened to have some leftovers..only enough for the two of us.

We had eaten at Macaroni Grill a couple of nights ago. Restaurant portions have gotten out of control. Ed had a pork chop left, and I had spaghetti and one large meatball left. As sides we had leftover (from home) stir fry veggies mixed with....also leftover...rice. The only thing fresh was the Indiana corn I picked up today from a local farmer whose sons grow sweet corn each year (which is planted weekly for six weeks, so as to produce a bountiful, delicious six-week long crop).

It was a great meal and an easy meal. There was one interesting thing about one of the ears of corn. I've never, ever seen this. I am the product of a family of farmers. While my father didn't farm, my uncles and grandfather did. I've picked, shucked and eaten loads of sweet corn. Do you see it? The itty bitty baby corn growing inside its....mother?

By the way, I am buying a couple of dozen extra ears this last week to parboil, cut off the cob, and serve at Thanksgiving.

Seasons Change

I have very mixed emotions about starting school again and thinking of the end of summer.

I'm not complaining. It has been a good summer and I know a lot of that is because of NOT having a foot surgery (I've done that two out of the last four or five summers), because of HAVING a vacation, and because I have really LOVED the weather this summer.

I don't know why I've heard grumbling about cooler weather and a little rain. Most often Indiana in August consists of dead, brown grass and high heat and humidity. I don't think anyone can complain about some rain. We haven't had so much rain that we've had flooding. We've had the kind of rain farmers appreciate and need.

The cooler weather and low humidity have been great. There is nothing better than having windows open, especially at night when you can hear the crickets or cicadas, and can drift away feeling a cool breeze against your skin.

I look forward to a new bunch of students to experience, leaves falling, pumpkins, fresh apple cider, trick or treaters, bonfires and such.

Seasons change and I enjoy change. Being a teacher and experiencing the end of a school year, and then getting excited about starting again, is something people in other careers don't get to enjoy. I'd argue with anyone who says teachers don't work hard. Most of us take classes, read professionally and/or make plans for the coming year during the summer, but these little transitions that go along with the holidays and seasons are refreshing to the spirit.

When I am buying new things and making plans for a new school year, I always sense some wistfulness in my husband who just has to keep plugging along with not so many breaks.

Teaching through the seasons in Indiana is great. It won't be long before we are praying for a snow day though.

The Un-Fourth of July

I decided to wait until the entire day was over before posting my thoughts on this Independence Day. I kept thinking maybe something exciting would happen. This July 4 really didn't feel like July 4 at all. For one thing, it rained most of the day, and was cool and dreary. It felt more like Labor Day. Erin is out of town, Caitlin is out of the country, Kelly was vegging at her apartment, and Mary was packing to go to camp on Sunday. We didn't go to Ed's brother's place in Michigan or his other brother's place in the Dunes. We just stayed home.

Ed and I were remembering the way we spent many Independence Days. From the time the girls were very small we typically would go to his brother's place in northern Indiana on Lake Michigan (Ogden Dunes). We'd walk to the beach and spend most of the day there. The first year with children, Caitlin would have only been six months old, the next year I would have had 18 month old Caitlin plus a five week old Kelly. Physically I was exhausted, handling a toddler and being the nursing mother of an infant. Ed was there of course, but babies have such a physical need for their mother. I spent more time at the house than on the beach those two years.

After the day at the beach, we'd walk back to the house and have a cookout and all the other chaos/fun that goes along with such a big family. Ed is one of seven siblings, plus a lot of aunts, uncles, and cousins live in the "region" so it just goes with the territory. So you can imagine...sand everywhere, sunburns, food on the grill, yard games, fireworks not only in the yard, but back at the beach, and of course....mosquitoes. Mosquitoes in the area of Lake Michigan seem far worse than the ones in central Indiana.

While these were amazingly fun times and we made a lot of memories, I also haven't forgotten how exhausted I was as a mother. Before we were finished, we added two more daughters, and if anyone has experienced more than two children, you know it suddenly becomes exponential. Three or four children feel more like six or eight children. Just the thought of how we packed, prepared food to contribute, and got together all the things you need when you have young children....well, it tires me to think about it. Of course we were all having our families at the time, so there were kids and babies everywhere.

Sometimes my now nearly grown daughters say "Mom, I don't know how you did it." When I think about it, neither do I. I guess that's because I have the memories, but I'm remembering in the context of now being 53 and I can't imagine doing it now. I usually tell the girls, "I just did what I needed to do," and I think that's the way it is for a mother. You love them beyond words. Instinct kicks in.

Being in the middle generation of three generations, I'm also aware of how my mother and mother-in-law seem to have forgotten all about the hard work. My mother-in-law in particular will frequently comment about the fact that I am always doing something (she's talking about now, not when I was busy with babies) and that I never sit down. When she says this I find it perplexing because I'm not doing anything stupendous. I'm usually filling the dishwasher, making a simple meal, etc., but to her it seems like a lot. My goodness, she raised seven children, without modern conveniences. I guess it's all relative. I'm just hoping I avoid feeling that way for as long as I can. I'd rather be 80 something and still active with my memory intact.

For now I remember fondly all the fun, and while looking at pictures of the girls when they were little makes me melancholy, I also remember the sheer physical exhaustion that goes along with being a mother. I remember it both ways, and that helps me to not be sad about my girls growing up because there are good things about it. We have so much fun together now, they affirm to me each and every day that I did a good job, and the most of the exhausting times are over. It is extremely rewarding to watch them develop into women and there is a real sense of pride thinking I had something to do with who they are.

So this year it was the Un-Fourth of July. About the most exciting thing that happened was comforting one of my dogs when she was hiding from the fireworks under the bed. I've decided that's really okay.