An Earlier Visit

Back in March I posted about an experience I had, one of feeling the presence of someone near me on a stressful occasion, someone who had died. It was a calming experience. I knew that one day I would write about the one other time in my life when something similar happened.

The thing is that I was only five years old. It was shortly after my maternal grandmother (Mammaw) died. Having been so young when she died, I really don't remember that much about her. I just have this image in my mind when I think of her. I have very vague memories, if that is what they are, of her being around. My sister being seven years older than I, was very close to Mammaw, and I know it was a hard time for her and my mother.

I have this feeling that Mammaw wasn't a real happy person. When I do think of her, I picture her as in an old photograph we have around somewhere. She was only a a couple of years older than I am now when she died, yet when I look at the photos of her, she seemed so much older. I guess life was harder then. I've heard she was very different than Pappaw. He was the playful, silly one; she was the serious one. My mother was their only child. Maybe my mother will talk to me about her one day in a little more detail.

What happened is that I believe Mammaw visited me, and I feel she did so to say goodbye to me. All I remember is being in bed in the bedroom I shared with my sister. I remember waking up and opening my eyes. I felt her presence and I saw what I believe was the dark outline of her...like a shadow. Of course, being five years old it frightened me to no end and I hid under the covers and eventually fell back asleep.

That memory has lived with me all my life. I haven't shared it with too many people. I once worried that someone would think I was off my rocker. Actually, the response has been an overwhelming belief that this was a real experience and I should have faith that it was just what I feel it was. For many many years I never told my mother, but I eventually did. I still think about it once in awhile. It had to have been real. How could a five year old's brain retain something like that? I have no answer to that question, but I did and still do think about that event, now 48 years later.

The Visit

I was as stressed as I could ever remember being. I can't justify it. There are worse things to be stressed about. I was last-minute cleaning during the holidays the night before the staff Christmas party at my house. I hadn't procrastinated. It was just busy as holidays, especially Christmas, are. I simply hadn't had time to get to it. My heart was racing and I felt on the verge of an actual anxiety attack. Not having ever had a real anxiety attack, it's what I imagined it to feel like.

My mother-in-law was also visiting. That is only an issue because I'm someone who can't operate the same way when company is in the house. She's feeble and can't do anything, but her presence, hovering and asking me regularly "What are you doing now?" added to my anxiety. My daughter, Erin, was home from college for the weekend, and she and her boyfriend Jon were also there; actually, they saved me. They were jolly and pitched in. Jon kept saying in his Jon way..."It's all for YOU!" in a rap sort of way. My husband finally left to take his mother back to her place, so that helped. Erin and Jon were hanging garland on the stairway and encouraging me that we'd get it all done. I hated Erin hanging back and having to leave late to get back to school.

I don't remember now exactly where everyone was when it happened. Maybe Erin and Jon had finished and left. I know at least that I was alone in the kitchen cleaning the wood floor when I felt it. I felt a hand on the middle of my back. I didn't hear a voice, but I felt a voice. The message was that everything would be fine and I should calm down. My reaction was exactly as anyone's would be if someone had come up behind them, as if Erin or someone had a question or something to say to me. I stopped mopping, stood up straight, and turned to see who was there. No one. I wasn't frightened exactly. I may have gasped a bit, as you do when someone approaches you from behind and you didn't expect anyone there. I was taken aback, did a sort of double take.

I immediately thought of Maggie, my former principal who died unexpectedly the previous year. She meant a lot to me. She had the gift of making everyone she was with feel they were special and important. She never seemed focused on herself. She is who I believed was there. It was a school staff party after all. I didn't think it up. I didn't wish it to be. It's just who I thought of spontaneously. I kept it to myself for months. I eventually shared it with Erin.

I don't know if it was Maggie. Maybe it was my guardian angel. I believe in angels, and maybe they make you think what you think. Maybe to me my angel needed to be Maggie at that moment in time. The questions don't really matter. I needed something, I needed comfort and encouragement, and there is no doubt in my mind that I was visited and given a gift. It was the second time in my life I was aware of being visited.